I watched an Indian film last night. It took me back to my days as a young, naive, hopeful, romantic girl. I used to love Bollywood. It had all the magnificent shades of beauty. The movies were long and dramatic. They took their time building intimate characters and complex narratives. They were intense, colourful, musical, beautiful.
I could write and dream and draw about romantic and philosophical ideas all day long. I remember being 18 and spending a Friday night on the computer, writing an essay titled Truth, Love, Beauty… and Creativity. It felt so natural… it was a wonderfully long romantic session with myself. I remember my father’s girlfriend at the time was visiting, and when I came up to them at around 1am to show them what I have just written, they looked at me perplexed. Why would a teenage girl do that? Why not go out and live? Why not go out and party? I don’t know. The world in my imagination seemed much more inviting.
Last night, when I finished this magnificent Indian film, all these romantic notions returned to me. Supporting ideas such as “A woman can save a broken man. A man can fall so deeply in love with a woman that she becomes everything to him. She can be the centre of his world. Life is not worth living unless you experience intense and dramatic romantic events.” - and worst of all - “Once a man has pledged his love - especially the one you have just saved - he will never desire any other woman ever again…”
Whoa!
Yes, I admit that for a part of me, being adored is such a magnificent fantasy. Being the centre of a man’s world - oh, how grand. After all, I was the centre of my father’s world throughout my entire childhood. And so, this part of me is still hidden deep within: If a man can make me his reason for living, then all I need to do is live. Life becomes so much simpler, doesn’t it?
Humans - and especially the feminine - are extravagantly and powerfully complex. She continues to fascinate, perplex and wonder us all.
Despite knowing so much more… there is still a little romantic girl within me, forever craving the continuation of that pure adoration I received from my father.
I wept after the movie. I wept for these ideas I used to have, and still live deep within me. I wept for the lost little girl, the girl who just wants to love and be loved.
KABOOM!